Brain Dump

Okay, I am having some serious procrastination issues with getting back into this whole "blogging" thing. Quite frankly, my brain has been on stuck mode and I have frozen in neutral on pretty much everything in life lately. I don't like it yet I am happy to report that I am taking positive steps forward!!

Here is how I decided to roughly force myself back into this whole thing. No picture because finding the perfect picture could easily become my excuse for not writing. I have journaled for as long as I can remember (called a "diary"when I started in early elementary school lol). In my excessive cleaning lately (because this is OBVIOUSLY what one does when they are on leave from work) I have uncovered old journals and old writing assignments from junior high and high school. This reminded me of how much I have always LOVED to write. I just stopped because wellll #lifehappened.

Back to my point, I just need to brain dump and I was going to grab a paper journal to start writing. Then I realized I would probably lose it (yet I've managed to save JUNIOR HIGH papers!!???). Right now, in addition to all of my strategies, I need writing as part of my therapy. So I need to just unload some thoughts an get my gears moving forward and theeeeeennnnnnnn worry about pretty well thought out and edited posts. (Btw, my "d' keeps sticking like a mo-fo so since I am writing fast and editing less, please keep this in mind if there appears to be any random missing letter "dee's" in this post. Muah.)

Transitions suck and I am having 8 bagillion emotions in this one I am in. This is probably the most ambiguous phase of my life EVER. Like hey Maile, here's some freedom but without discipline, I can tell you how quickly that "freedom" can turn into a waste of my time. I am currently working on myself and taking my days slow. Sleeping a bit more (thanks to med #2 added into my daily regimen) and hopefully on the road to crying less. The uncontrollable crying has been the worst. I've cried so much my ribs literally hurt.

I have a lot of emotions. Two days ago I was so sad I was done teaching. Yesterday I was fine with it after remembering some of the lame BS that comes with it. Today I am just tired AF. One day at a time I keep saying. You will get through this, I keep saying, because I KNOW that I will be fine. I am ready for a new chapter. One of peace. One free from daily panic attacks (I was literally like, WOAH, where the eff did YOU come from again so fast!??). I realize that I have needed freedom for so so so very long. I know all of these super weird emotions right now are just part of the process but I am so ready to actually feel the FREEDOM that I finally have.

But first, heal. (ooh found a photo!)

The Letter

On February 26, 2018, I wrote a letter to myself and sealed it in an envelope. I wrote on the envelope "Open on your 40th Birthday!" and set an alarm on my phone to pull it out from the drawer I had placed it in (because I PROMISE you I would have NOT remembered on my own!!!)

A few weeks ago I opened and read the letter but I had a super important meeting the next day that could quickly counteract every word I had written. So I waited. I filled with hope and before long, I had to take that letter back out and read it to myself. The tears stream down my face still every time I look at it but those words led me to make a decision that changed my life. I wanted to share the words in my letter because perhaps you need to hear them too. Or maybe you are at a place you need to write yourself a letter. Or read one. Either way, the irony in so many pieces of this is unreal so here's what I had to say.....

*********************************
2/26/18

Dear Maile,

You are going through it right now! It's been yet ANOTHER hard year in the classroom. You are trying to mend your heart from watching one of your sweet littles leave in an ambulance. You wish you could stop replaying the THUD sound of his body hitting the ground. You KNOW this job is taking a toll on you. I know you love "your kids" but we need to talk...

You switch what you are doing every 2-3 years and you keep wondering why. Perhaps you keep "hoping" for the perfect class, the "perfect" balance. I think you are starting to see that you are searching for a unicorn.... =/

In a year you may still be here or you may have moved on, but promise me this...read this on your 40th birthday. If you are still teaching and are not 100% happy RIGHT NOW, it it time to move on. II wrote this so you won't talk yourself out of it. And if you found your "unicorn", girl, stay and teach the shit out of that classroom!!!!!! Wherever your heart is right now, do it for you....NOW.

-39 Year Old Maile

***********************************

I swear I didn't even plan it because from February 5th and every day forward my brain could NOT stop thinking about this. I acknowledged the place I was in. I dug deep. I literally felt SICK putting the words on paper, but exactly ONE YEAR to the day of THAT letter, on 2/26/19, I wrote ANOTHER life changing letter, the one where I officially resigned from my teaching job. *sigh* And holy shit, just like that, my PASSION (the one that has consumed my mental health) will be coming to an end soon. I certainly didn't plan it this way. Usually I look forward to June to have the summer with my kids but this time come June, everything I have known for fifteen years will be coming to an end.

I am worthy

I has taken so long for me to figure out what it was that I actually wanted. I could put my finger on what I THOUGHT I wanted, but it hasn't felt right for awhile. A lot of big changes are coming for me and my little family. I wanted to write this on the blog and put it out there so I can't take it back. I will be resigning from teaching. Yes, you heard that right.....I. Am. Done. And I'm not 100% sure what the future holds for me but I do know that I am worthy of WANTING to be the mom and wife that I haven't been. I can no longer sacrifice my own family to love other people's kids. If you know me at all, you KNOW this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But in doing so, I have found a peace that I have needed for so very very long. This is the start of my new chapter, for reals this time. Perhaps this is what one might call a "mid-life crisis" but to me, it actually feels like the most refreshing mid-life "rebirth". What do I want to be when I grow up? Sigh......so many possibilities.

Round Three

I find it ironic that my last posts were about coming off meds and here I am again....needing an outlet to vent about STARTING meds again. I'll come back and share more at a later time, when my head is on straight but because I did a horrible job documenting the hard moments of my past, I wanted to put in writing so I can remember how HARD this start process is. I know I made the right decision to see my doctor. I just forgot how icky this part feels and here I am, not able to adult today. This reminds me to spend time reflecting on the millions of things I am grateful for and to remember that this too shall pass.

WE MADE IT!!!!!!

There is no tired like the first week of school tired!!!

It was a challenging week getting everyone into a routine ON TOP OF the RIDICULOUS heat wave we have been having! We were all trapped inside for the extent of our school day because NOBODY should be outdoors in the triple digit heat!!!

It was tiring and exhausting but I could not be more excited for the year ahead of us!!! I am blessed with a great group a children, fantastic parents and a team of paraprofessionals that are ready to kick butt!!!!

I'd have to say that this is the smoooooooothest start I have had to a school year in a realllllly long time!!! Adequately staffed. Adequately stuffed. Adequately planned.

I was honestly worried how my mood would hold up all week. I had a LOT of anxiety about the kids starting new classes. (Let's be 100% honest, I never really worry about Emma but Oliver is a WHOLE different story!!) My crew did great. Mommy didn't even cry once. My tears are a strong indicator of my stress level and I didn't even feel the NEED to cry this week!!!!!

Cheers to a great year ahead!!!! I expect those bumps in the road but I have my nutrition, my workouts and my fit tribe to keep me in check along the way!!!!

Meds Meds Meds

Hey there. It's been such a loooooong time since I've written but I decided it was time to really start putting my thoughts down in a more organized fashion. When I was younger, I actually wanted to be a writer. I documented my first pregnancy like a boss through blogging and sorta tapered off after my second child was born and then life took over and it dwindled to nothing. Writing is such a great coping strategy so here I am again, unfiltered and slightly disorganized in my thoughts. =)

Today I woke up just feeling like I had to share my recent "anxiety" status because I have had sooooo many supporters to lean on during this transition period. The past two weeks have NOT been easy as I have weaned off of Citalopram (generic for Celexa) AKA my magic anxiety pill that I have been taking for the past three years. Now, don't get me wrong....I don't knock meds for a second. This is not my first rodeo of weaning off of antidepressants for my anxiety and panic disorder. Before my daughter was born, I went through the grueling "cold turkey" process of stopping Zoloft so I could be med-free during my pregnancy. THAT was the worst two weeks of my life (and YES, I KNOW, cold turkey is never what is recommended!!!!). I dumped my pills down the toilet and swore to never take them again.

Well, that was until 3 years ago when I realized that something wasn't right again. Who the heck goes on an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii with her family and has the world's craziest panic attacks that leave you feeling like you're going to die? Like there is literally not enough air to breathe. As in, leave a beautifully perfect dinner to run back to the hotel and remove the dress that is literally suffocating you. Two days after returning from that trip, I found my hysterical self back in the doctor's office just wondering how I would cope and go back to work and FUNCTION.

So, trust me, I KNOW our brains don't always follow OUR agenda and the disorder I have struggled with is REAL and totally out of my control. It doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't make me weak. If I had to be on meds forever, I'd be totally okay with that. This summer, there was one thing different that made me change my mind and just TRY to see if I could do it. I am healthier than I have ever been. I eat pretty damn good and workout and meditate everyday. I have read so many of those cheesy ass self help books that I have trained my mind to understand that I AM OKAY. What has always held me back from trying was FEAR!!!!! What if I fall apart? What if something happens when my kids are with me? But then I also had those crazy dependency thoughts.....what if I go on a trip and forget my meds? THEN WHAT????? It's like the ONLY thing that I'd be screwed about if I forgot to bring it with me. I can totally buy a toothbrush or underwear that I forget to pack, but those pills man.

Well, those pills have been slowly tapered out of my life during this month and I am officially MED FREE right now. Getting to this point of writing with a clear head and not feeling AWFUL has been a struggle. While I did wean off slowly, I probably should have gone slower. And under the supervision of my doctor. (Yeah, yeah, lecture not needed right now!) I have had a lot of ups and downs but my biggest struggle has been the "brain jiggles". You know when you stand up too quickly and your head feels all outta whack? Yeah, that's been my life for the past two weeks. Shaking my head to rid myself of the "jello brain" became this weird tic thing that has finally gone away. Reminded me of this weird teeth grinding/jaw jerking thing I did when I STARTED the meds. Totally out of my control and I'd catch myself doing it and be like, wth???? STOP!!!! I've been exceptionally tired and had a funky appetite. Sleep has sorta sucked but alllllll of these amazing feelings (enter sarcasm) are finally subsiding and I am feeling "normal" again. Well, I'm not sure what "normal" really even means for me. I am no longer a woman filled with fear and THAT is what is different.

I have had signs left and right telling me to take some giant leaps (I'll share those signs in a future post!) and this was one of the biggest leaps of all. August 17th, 2017. This is my first "new normal" day. I feel like I am back. I feel like I am MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!