Meds Meds Meds

Hey there. It's been such a loooooong time since I've written but I decided it was time to really start putting my thoughts down in a more organized fashion. When I was younger, I actually wanted to be a writer. I documented my first pregnancy like a boss through blogging and sorta tapered off after my second child was born and then life took over and it dwindled to nothing. Writing is such a great coping strategy so here I am again, unfiltered and slightly disorganized in my thoughts. =)

Today I woke up just feeling like I had to share my recent "anxiety" status because I have had sooooo many supporters to lean on during this transition period. The past two weeks have NOT been easy as I have weaned off of Citalopram (generic for Celexa) AKA my magic anxiety pill that I have been taking for the past three years. Now, don't get me wrong....I don't knock meds for a second. This is not my first rodeo of weaning off of antidepressants for my anxiety and panic disorder. Before my daughter was born, I went through the grueling "cold turkey" process of stopping Zoloft so I could be med-free during my pregnancy. THAT was the worst two weeks of my life (and YES, I KNOW, cold turkey is never what is recommended!!!!). I dumped my pills down the toilet and swore to never take them again.

Well, that was until 3 years ago when I realized that something wasn't right again. Who the heck goes on an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii with her family and has the world's craziest panic attacks that leave you feeling like you're going to die? Like there is literally not enough air to breathe. As in, leave a beautifully perfect dinner to run back to the hotel and remove the dress that is literally suffocating you. Two days after returning from that trip, I found my hysterical self back in the doctor's office just wondering how I would cope and go back to work and FUNCTION.

So, trust me, I KNOW our brains don't always follow OUR agenda and the disorder I have struggled with is REAL and totally out of my control. It doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't make me weak. If I had to be on meds forever, I'd be totally okay with that. This summer, there was one thing different that made me change my mind and just TRY to see if I could do it. I am healthier than I have ever been. I eat pretty damn good and workout and meditate everyday. I have read so many of those cheesy ass self help books that I have trained my mind to understand that I AM OKAY. What has always held me back from trying was FEAR!!!!! What if I fall apart? What if something happens when my kids are with me? But then I also had those crazy dependency thoughts.....what if I go on a trip and forget my meds? THEN WHAT????? It's like the ONLY thing that I'd be screwed about if I forgot to bring it with me. I can totally buy a toothbrush or underwear that I forget to pack, but those pills man.

Well, those pills have been slowly tapered out of my life during this month and I am officially MED FREE right now. Getting to this point of writing with a clear head and not feeling AWFUL has been a struggle. While I did wean off slowly, I probably should have gone slower. And under the supervision of my doctor. (Yeah, yeah, lecture not needed right now!) I have had a lot of ups and downs but my biggest struggle has been the "brain jiggles". You know when you stand up too quickly and your head feels all outta whack? Yeah, that's been my life for the past two weeks. Shaking my head to rid myself of the "jello brain" became this weird tic thing that has finally gone away. Reminded me of this weird teeth grinding/jaw jerking thing I did when I STARTED the meds. Totally out of my control and I'd catch myself doing it and be like, wth???? STOP!!!! I've been exceptionally tired and had a funky appetite. Sleep has sorta sucked but alllllll of these amazing feelings (enter sarcasm) are finally subsiding and I am feeling "normal" again. Well, I'm not sure what "normal" really even means for me. I am no longer a woman filled with fear and THAT is what is different.

I have had signs left and right telling me to take some giant leaps (I'll share those signs in a future post!) and this was one of the biggest leaps of all. August 17th, 2017. This is my first "new normal" day. I feel like I am back. I feel like I am MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!